Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Crow of Death

Have you ever played Resident Evil? Do you remember the crows in the first game? You'd enter a room and they'd all be sat there, waiting. A few would be croaking and cawing to one another. Occasionally one would ruffle its feathers. They seemed menacing, yet harmless as long as they stayed where they were. After a while you'd forget about them and carry on doing whatever you were meant to be doing in that room. Which is just what they want you to do...
As soon as you let your guard down... THEY ATTACK!!! Before you know it you've had your eyes pecked out and it's back to the typewriter.
Well, I've been living through my own personal Resident Evil for the past few weeks. I think I've mentioned before that crows tend to gather in the trees along the road on my walk home from school. They always seemed menacing, but I haven't had any trouble out of them. Until now that is...
It always happens just as I'm passing the graveyard at the bottom of the hill - a lone crow will silently divebomb me from behind. The first thing I know about it is the WHOOSH of wings beating inches away from my ears, causing me to duck instinctively. Then the crow will perch on a tree further down the road, watching me, and waiting until I pass by so it can divebomb me again. It only ever does it from behind: if I turn round and see it in time it pulls up from the attack dive and waits for me to turn around again. It's bloody scary, I can tell you. I mean, this is no pigeon - this thing has a wingspan of nearly a metre. I've taken to walking home backwards, it's gotten so bad.
The most likely explanation I can come up with as to why it's trying to attack me is that it must have a nest nearby which it's trying to protect. I read in the paper today that crows can become "stressed" at this time of year because they're raising their young, and they may even take to gnawing on fibre optic phone cables as a way of relieving the tension from "work". Perhaps I look like a giant stress ball to this one crow... Although the explanation I prefer is that this crow is actually pure evil incarnate, and as such I have nicknamed it "The Crow of Death". Damn you Crow of Death!!! Vengeance shall be mine!!!!
The weird thing is, hundreds of students from my school walk up and down that hill, and I've never seen the crow attack any of them, yet it attacks me every day. I just don't get it... Maybe it's going for my bald spot - I've heard crows like shiny things. Or perhaps it's just a goddamn racist crow. Ooooooh, how I hate racist crows.


Blogger lemaiz said...

I want to know how you can have your vengence. The schoolboy favourite slingshot? Or perhaps a really big net. No death or torture of course. But it is attacking you... Where does a veggie stand on "it was in self-defence"-type scenarios?

8:00 pm  
Blogger Phoenix said...

racist crows[...]

*dies laughing*

Hey, be nice to crows. I'm never harassed by crows. I love crows! Crow is my middle name (actually, it's Corben).

You need to stand up for yourself! It's trying to murder you! So unkind, that crow. Tell that nasty crow "Not again! Nevermore!"

Are you sure that there is only one? They could be taking turns to harry you. It's a conspiracy, I say...

You know, at the culture conference, during the Shinto seminar we learned about how torii (gateways to the gods) are symbolically watched over by crows and ravens, who then act as messengers for the gods. Perhaps one of the Japanese gods has a message for you? Hmm, maybe that message is "watch your back..."

10:17 am  
Blogger The Funky Drummer said...

At the car rally one of those huge birds of prey (kites? hawks?) swooped from behind, and stole a cigarrete right out of my hand.

It flew off but then dropped the ciggie on the ground.

Perhaps it wasn't his brand...

2:59 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you perchance murder a goth singer once?

I watch out for oriental types with face paint.

6:39 am  
Blogger Andrew Cramer said...

It's your very own "Grudge" horror moment! This is one of the funniest things Ive heard in a while. Thanks Lew!

10:44 pm  

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