Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Uses For 1 Yen Coins - Volume 1, Dealing With Scotsmen

This is an article I wrote which appears in the new issue of JETfuel, the Fukui JET magazine. Big thanks to Colin, our local Scotsman, for being such a good sport and letting me take the photos. Apologies in advance to any Scotsmen/women reading this...

Somewhere in your apartment I'm sure you have, as I do, an enormous jar stuffed full with 1 yen coins. There's very little you can do with these all but useless pieces of monetary fluff. You sure as hell can't spend them, unless you're willing to go down the conbini with a sack full of change every time you want to buy a loaf of bread. Keeping them is impractical: it has been estimated that after three years of living in Japan the storage space required for 1 yen coins is likely to equal approximately one fifth of the size of the average ALT apartment.

You can't even throw them away, since the bin day for one yen coins occurs only once every ten years on the second Monday of the fifth month between the hours of 5am and 6am, and even if you're lucky enough to be present on said bin day, the hallowed bin is guarded by a vicious obaa-chan, who will rifle through your bags of coins and put them back on your doorstep if she finds even one five yen piece in with the ones.

But don't worry, help is at hand. An Englishman in Nyu-gun is proud to present the first in a series of articles giving advice on what to do with those pesky little shards of metal. First up: dealing with Scotsmen.

The problem is a familiar one: one day you come home to discover empty cans of McEwans lager strewn across your living room floor, ginger whiskers in your sink and the powerful odour of haggis wafting through the drawing room. That's right, your house has become infested with Scotsmen. “But I kept it so clean!” you cry. “I always clear up the leftover food in the kitchen and put the bins out on time. I might have expected to have a Scotsman when I was living in my student house, what with all the mess and all, but how could I have one now?”

Nevertheless, despite your best efforts, a Scotsman has moved in, and he ain't budging. You called the council, but they can't send an exterminator round until next March, and the humane traps you bought from the local DIY store were useless. You even bought a cat, but somehow the canny Jock is still scuttling along behind the skirting boards, keeping you up all night. You've tried everything.

Or have you...? What about that jar full of one yen coins by the door...

Fig. 1 - Here we see a Scotsman who has set up nest in this wall cabinet. Startled by the light, he quickly retreated to safety behind some old porn magazines hidden at the back of the cupboard shortly after this picture was taken. Note the mug of rancid, watery tea: Scotsmen have been known to reuse the same tea bag for up to a year or more.

Fig. 2 -There's simply no way you'll be able to get close to the Scotsman whilst he's holed up in his cupboard – you need to lure him out into the open. As everyone knows the Scotch are famed for their miserliness, so the Scotsman will have an instinctive urge to hoard any money he can get his hands on. This is where the one yen coin comes in – simply place a one yen coin on a table near the cupboard, then secrete yourself behind the curtains. Now wait. Once the Scotsman catches the scent of money he will be irresistibly drawn towards it...

Fig. 3 - Now's your chance. The Scotsman will be momentarily stunned by the shininess of the tiny piece of metal, and will stand transfixed for a few moments admiring “his precious”. Whilst he contemplates the shiny surface of the coin, quickly leap from your hiding place and batter his brains out with a frying pan.

Problem solved.


Blogger CJ said...

You said the women would come flocking to my door after I appeared in this....
I feel a counter attack is necessary. Working title - Toffs and Tuppney-bits: eradicating English twits using pre-1971 currency.

Your local Scotsman

1:17 am  
Blogger Maethelwine said...

This is good, but I'm not sure a standard frying pan would dent a Scottish skull, unless you fired it out of a cannon. This would also work well against Australians, the cheap bastards. Personally, I find the best way to get rid of your one yen coins is to dip them in chocolate and swallow them.

9:34 am  

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