This just in...

The latest news from Fukui in the style of ITV's News at Ten. Ah, how I miss Trevor McDonald.

BONG!.....Record rains hit Fukui prefecture, leading to fears of flooding similar to that experienced by residents 2 years ago. Flood warnings are issued in most areas as rivers inch towards the top of flood defences. Roving reporter Ruisu Pakkuwuddo took this dramatic photo of the rising waters after he raced to the scene last night. Although he actually forgot his camera and had to use his phone instead. So you can't see anything. But let us assure you, the rising waters were dramatic.

BONG!.....Department store Al Plaza introduces foot-shaped stickers at every staff entrance, indicating the point where staff members must bow to customers when walking on to the shop floor (this is true).

BONG!.....New magazine "Seed Sack Mama" is launched. Are you a seed sack mama? If so, call the studio now: we can put you in touch with people who can help. Modern surgical procedures can now safely remove seed sacks in 90% of cases.

BONG!.....Following a "famous people" classroom quiz game at Takefu high school, female students request to keep the pictures of heart throb celebrities Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt to stick on the classroom wall. Bizarrely, several girls also request the photo of British prime minister Tony Blair to stick alongside the Hollywood heavyweights. One witness, who refused to be identified, offered only this explanation: "He's cool".

BONG!....T-shirt woman invites passers-by to eat her. Allegations that "last night was bad" only serve to deepen the intrigue of the request.

BONG!.....Convenience stores begin selling ice lollies made from red beans. "It's the best bean-flavoured frozen product I've ever tasted", said one customer.

And finally... Authorities in Tsuruga have developed a low-tech robot designed to facilitate the evacuation of the city in the event of a nuclear emergency. The smiling brown robots, which stand on every street corner, are designed to give off a cheery, calming atmosphere, and will direct and encourage the fleeing populace with robotic cries of "Ganbare!" and "Fighto!". The robot also has the ability to transform into a medium-sized Family Mart in order to feed and provide toilet facilities for starving, radioactive refugees.

Hard Gay Pirate

Japanese TV is full of half-baked celebrities. They're called "talents", which is ironic, since invariably they have none, and they're celebrities only in the very loosest sense of the word - in the same way that Tony Blair's cat is a "celebrity". These z-list celebrities tend to have a very short TV life span indeed, but they seem to make up for it by appearing on every single TV show in Japan several times a day, in order to milk their fifteen minutes of fame.

Comedians naturally tend to be the most annoying "celebrities" in the "talent" pool, since the ones that make it onto the chat circuit are invariably one-trick ponies: funny for five minutes, but intensely irritating once that five minutes is up. They all have some sort of gimmick, like "Macha Macha" who throws down the microphone, wrestler-style, after telling each joke (which must be an absolute nightmare for the sound technicians), or the "Guitar Samurai", who sings satirical songs which always end in him screaming the last line with his palm raised.

I was always intrigued by the Guitar Samurai - I could never understand what he was singing about, but it seemed pretty dramatic, whatever it was. Then one day I saw him appear on the English language learning programme "Eigo de Shabera Naito", where they helped him translate one of his songs into English. It was rubbish. I can't remember the exact words now, but it went something like: "President George Bush / He's the President of the United States / But he's a cowboy" (that last line shouted). Cutting satire indeed.

Anyway, the point is, he's not on TV now - he had his fifteen minutes of fame, and now he's been consigned to the talent-bin just outside the gates of NHK, along with all the other gimmicky comedians. Which is what I hope will soon happen to Razor Ramon "Hard Gay".

I could go on for hours about what irritates me about this chap, but I'd rather you read the excellent account on Maethelwine's Wide Island blog - he pretty much sums up what I feel about the "Hard Gay" character. Obviously, because he's so annoying, the kids love him, and children up and down Japan are gleefully shouting his catchphrase in the playgrounds: "Whoooo!!!!", followed by some rigorous pelvic-thrusting. Delightful.

So, of course, since he's so popular with children, why not make a version of "Pop-Up Pirate" ("Kuro Hige Kiki Ippatsu" in Japan) using "Hard Gay" instead of a pirate? It's the only logical conclusion.

Poking latex-clad gay men with swords has never been so much fun.

Here's a photo of Razor Ramon, aka "Hard Gay", indulging in what he does best. Good, wholesome fun.

And here we have the Hard Gay version of "Kuro Hige Kiki Ippatsu" (which translates as "Blackbeard's Narrow Escape", or, literally, "Blackbeard Is A Hair's Breadth Away From A Crisis"). Good, wholseome fun.